I know that most people never mean to say hurtful or insensitive things ... but I tell you many people speak to babyloss moms without ever thinking. If you have lost a child, (during pregnancy or after) I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. If you have not lived through the horror of lossing the baby or child you loved so much and have no clue what this crazy lady is writing about then, please ... please ... please ... I beg of you ... please go read
"for family & friends" and then pass this wonderful advice along to everyone you know!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
2 months
waves of emotion keep pushing me
I long to be like the still quiet lake
Instead I am the constant, continuous
motion of ocean waves
I fight between wanting to hide from
everything and everyone,
Yet wanting to be with my family
Two months ago I could not stop crying
today all I want to do is cry
but I'm so numb, the tears won't even come
Loss and grief, anger and disappointment
such sadness it hurts,
so very tired but I can't fall asleep
In my mind I know there is a plan,
I remember that God has a purpose
I think I even trust Him to lift me from this
But my emotions have not yet met what I know
my emotions continue to be tossed at sea
helpless, pointless and out of control
For the Illuminate Photography course I am taking, this week's assignment is to take several self portraits ... they are to tell a story of how I am feeling at this point in my loss journey. UGH! I must admit, my first reaction was "maybe I should not have signed up for this course ... not sure I can do this"
Being honest about where I am and how I feel at this point in my journey feels very risky. But after prayer I know that God has placed me here for good reason. Is it easy? No. Will I be better for doing the hard stuff? My heart tells me "Yes", but today my emotions scream "run away and hide!"
Maybe I'll do a little of both, here is my first attempt at a self portrait
(then I edited it a few times in Picnik)
I long to be like the still quiet lake
Instead I am the constant, continuous
motion of ocean waves
I fight between wanting to hide from
everything and everyone,
Yet wanting to be with my family
Two months ago I could not stop crying
today all I want to do is cry
but I'm so numb, the tears won't even come
Loss and grief, anger and disappointment
such sadness it hurts,
so very tired but I can't fall asleep
In my mind I know there is a plan,
I remember that God has a purpose
I think I even trust Him to lift me from this
But my emotions have not yet met what I know
my emotions continue to be tossed at sea
helpless, pointless and out of control
For the Illuminate Photography course I am taking, this week's assignment is to take several self portraits ... they are to tell a story of how I am feeling at this point in my loss journey. UGH! I must admit, my first reaction was "maybe I should not have signed up for this course ... not sure I can do this"
Being honest about where I am and how I feel at this point in my journey feels very risky. But after prayer I know that God has placed me here for good reason. Is it easy? No. Will I be better for doing the hard stuff? My heart tells me "Yes", but today my emotions scream "run away and hide!"
Maybe I'll do a little of both, here is my first attempt at a self portrait
(then I edited it a few times in Picnik)
Monday, July 11, 2011
Why this blog began ...
Obviously I started this blog (separate from my family blog) to journal my grief and tell my story of loss (and hopefully healing).
Feel free to follow along, but be warned I need a place to be bluntly honest about what this journey looks like. Is my life over because I've lost 4 babies? No certainly not. But I will admit there were days I wished my life was over or would end soon. Especially in those first days of loss and on those dates when my babies would have been due had they lived.
I don't understand why so many of us moms suffer through this ... why does loss like this have to be a part of our lives??? I've heard there are stages to grief and I can see myself passing through them, but I also feel like perhaps instead of stages I'm on a merry-go-round of grief. I have days of anger, frustration and fist-shaking questions, then I have days of denial where I force a smile upon my face, and other days I'm covered in the sadness and depression ... then some days surprise me, I start to feel almost an acceptance (for lack of a better word) ... I have days when I try to plan how I'm going to move forward as this new scared mommy. I can not say "move on" because to me that implies I will leave my babies behind and forget about them ... I can't do that ... they did live, and they did exists inside of me! But I have other family members who need me to be here, be present in their lives and I still believe God has a plan and a purpose for my life. He has allowed me my grief and all these emotions ... God knows what it takes for me to heal in a way that I can carry on but not forget.
God has blessed me recently with a bible study on loss through Anchored By Hope and also by allowing me to take part in an new online photography course called Illuminate, taught by Beryl, from Be Young Photography specifically for baby loss moms. Illuminate is meant to help moms like me in our healing process and will encompass both photography and journaling as a part of the course. So, for the next 4 weeks, I hope you will join me as I continue my journey. My journey through loss, my journey to live again, my journey to heal my heart as much as I can, through photography and words.
Feel free to follow along, but be warned I need a place to be bluntly honest about what this journey looks like. Is my life over because I've lost 4 babies? No certainly not. But I will admit there were days I wished my life was over or would end soon. Especially in those first days of loss and on those dates when my babies would have been due had they lived.
I don't understand why so many of us moms suffer through this ... why does loss like this have to be a part of our lives??? I've heard there are stages to grief and I can see myself passing through them, but I also feel like perhaps instead of stages I'm on a merry-go-round of grief. I have days of anger, frustration and fist-shaking questions, then I have days of denial where I force a smile upon my face, and other days I'm covered in the sadness and depression ... then some days surprise me, I start to feel almost an acceptance (for lack of a better word) ... I have days when I try to plan how I'm going to move forward as this new scared mommy. I can not say "move on" because to me that implies I will leave my babies behind and forget about them ... I can't do that ... they did live, and they did exists inside of me! But I have other family members who need me to be here, be present in their lives and I still believe God has a plan and a purpose for my life. He has allowed me my grief and all these emotions ... God knows what it takes for me to heal in a way that I can carry on but not forget.
God has blessed me recently with a bible study on loss through Anchored By Hope and also by allowing me to take part in an new online photography course called Illuminate, taught by Beryl, from Be Young Photography specifically for baby loss moms. Illuminate is meant to help moms like me in our healing process and will encompass both photography and journaling as a part of the course. So, for the next 4 weeks, I hope you will join me as I continue my journey. My journey through loss, my journey to live again, my journey to heal my heart as much as I can, through photography and words.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
Suitcases
I had to drop one of my kids off at church this morning ... he will be gone for the next 6 days with our church youth group on a service mission trip. I love the group he is going with and I know all will be fine ... but my mommy heart is saddened by each good-bye. I know how precious each moment together is and I don't want to waste any of the moments I have. Living through Loss has taught me to treasure each moment ... because we never know when there will be no more moments.
But, the good Lord blessed me by what was played on the radio while we drove to church this morning:
I definitely have "baggage" I need to let go of and set down ... some of it from this journey of loss and some of it from long before I ever lost a baby. Its a work in progress, this learning how to let go ... how to move on. Actually I am a work in progress.
But, the good Lord blessed me by what was played on the radio while we drove to church this morning:
I definitely have "baggage" I need to let go of and set down ... some of it from this journey of loss and some of it from long before I ever lost a baby. Its a work in progress, this learning how to let go ... how to move on. Actually I am a work in progress.
Monday, July 4, 2011
I survived
Just just a quick note and picture to say that I survived the weekend and the 4th of July celebrations. Things actually went smoother and a bit easier than I expected ... I had a few tearful moments, but thankfully those were only in the presence of my wonderful kind and caring hubby. He takes such great care of me! Some days (most days) its hard to control if/when/where I will burst into tears. So going to events where I will need to be around lots of people makes me nervous. "What if I have a melt down moment?" goes through my mind. I try to imagine how I will escape all the people or how I'll explain, but that usually just makes me more nervous. I'm glad that in the end I didn't had to worry about it this time. I'm glad my kids had fun with their cousins and grandparents. I'm glad my dad had a good birthday party.
Saturday, July 2, 2011
Holidays and Grief
Warning: this post may just be me rambling about stuff.
I have no real answers about how to deal with the family events and festivities of holidays as we are grieving ... I have to be honest ... I'd rather just hide away right now. In those first few weeks after my miscarriage people offered help and asked how I was and seemed willing to hear my sadness. But now it seems I am expected to be "over it" or "back to normal" ... Well ... I'm not. I'm still not "back to normal" from losing our baby Liberty in 2004. I guess after each loss I have found a new normal ... a new way of being me ... a way that is forever marked by the baby I loved (still love) but will not parent on this earth. I know that those who expect me to be "over it" have never experienced a miscarriage or baby loss ... so they really can't understand where I am at ... and I would never wish that they could understand, but I wish they didn't expect me to forget about the babies I long for.
Holidays (like the 4th of July) are usually spent with family or friends, food, festivities, fireworks, and fun. The problem is, that right now I don't really feel like celebrating ... and if I say that those who want to celebrate I will have to explain and defend myself and my emotions ... thats exhausting. I've spent way too much energy trying to explain already and it know from experience it only leaves me feeling worse, so I'd rather just not make an appearance.
But ... This weekend also happens to be my Dad's birthday party and I hate the idea of letting him down ... my living children make up half of his grandkids and he needs them there to celebrate with. He is really a wonderful grandpa! I feel like my hiding away and protecting my self would punish him and my kids ... so, I'll goto the party, it will be a long grueling weekend, but I will do my best.
I have no real answers about how to deal with the family events and festivities of holidays as we are grieving ... I have to be honest ... I'd rather just hide away right now. In those first few weeks after my miscarriage people offered help and asked how I was and seemed willing to hear my sadness. But now it seems I am expected to be "over it" or "back to normal" ... Well ... I'm not. I'm still not "back to normal" from losing our baby Liberty in 2004. I guess after each loss I have found a new normal ... a new way of being me ... a way that is forever marked by the baby I loved (still love) but will not parent on this earth. I know that those who expect me to be "over it" have never experienced a miscarriage or baby loss ... so they really can't understand where I am at ... and I would never wish that they could understand, but I wish they didn't expect me to forget about the babies I long for.
Holidays (like the 4th of July) are usually spent with family or friends, food, festivities, fireworks, and fun. The problem is, that right now I don't really feel like celebrating ... and if I say that those who want to celebrate I will have to explain and defend myself and my emotions ... thats exhausting. I've spent way too much energy trying to explain already and it know from experience it only leaves me feeling worse, so I'd rather just not make an appearance.
But ... This weekend also happens to be my Dad's birthday party and I hate the idea of letting him down ... my living children make up half of his grandkids and he needs them there to celebrate with. He is really a wonderful grandpa! I feel like my hiding away and protecting my self would punish him and my kids ... so, I'll goto the party, it will be a long grueling weekend, but I will do my best.
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