Illuminate Week 4 - One year from now?

what might your life look like in the next week? the next month? What might it look like a year from now?

That is our final journaling assignment for the online photography course, Illuminate, taught by my friend Beryl, from Be Young Photography

I have to admit, this is a tough one for me. I know how I wish it would look, but that dream was shattered a few months ago. And I think I'm afraid to dream or plan right now ... afraid of more loss. What if I look forward to something or try and plan for something that does not happen? Can I handle any more losses or more goodbyes? How can I possibly protect myself from that horrible kind of pain? I don't really think I can ... I don't think anyone can.

Still, looking into the future now scares me ... the reality is that any of the people I hold so dear could be gone in an instant ... Aug 6th 2011 I spent at a graveside service burying my baby, Journey Peace. I know that at some point in my life I will have to stand at another grave site and bury someone else I love. I know that is unavoidable. Dear Lord, please do not let me be alive to attend any more of my children's funerals. But I have grandparents, and parents and other family, I have dear close friends and neighbors ... I've learned all too well that things like cancer and sickness and accidents can take those lives away. I suppose its morbid, but there are days I start to wonder "well, who is going to be next?" My experience has taught me that what I love and cherish can indeed be ripped from my hands ... from my life. Will it happen tomorrow? No, probably not. Will it happen to everyone I love and cherish? No, most likely not ... but sooner or later it will happen and I will fall apart all over again. I don't think I can handle it again. I don't want to look forward knowing that will eventually happen. I think I would rather live today ... in this moment I have ... and love big!

Somewhere in the tangled mess of all these thoughts are my memories of bible verses and truths that I am loved and created by a powerful and loving God, that my children are loved and guided by this God as well, that our days were written in the book of life and numbered long before anyone of us were even conceived. So you see, this brings me to very special word i have been holding dear this summer:






This life on earth is a journey ... and no two journeys will ever follow the same exact path. We each have our own journey to take. I'm blessed and pray that I will spend much of my journey surrounded by family who love me. But some of them will be called off, to their own journey, down a different path, some much sooner than I would like. Others will possibly say longer than I would like. But I find comfort in the knowledge that someone much wiser than I already knows the number of days we will each journey on this earth. One day my journey here will come to an end and I will truly know peace ... my tiny baby is already there ... my baby Journey Peace left this world ... he has indeed journeyed to peace ... and one day I will meet him there.

Illuminate Week 3 - 100 steps

For the next few weeks I will be taking part in an online photography course called Illuminate, taught by a sweet new friend and baby loss mom Beryl, from Be Young Photography

For week three of our online photography course Beryl has challenged us to pick a starting place, then take 100 steps and when we stop, look for something to take pictures of. I began with 100 steps from my front door ... that brought me across the street to my neighbors yard. They have some beautifully done landscaping as the entrance to our neighborhood:


Taken on my camera's foliage setting:


Taken in auto setting:


Taken in sunset setting:


The yellowish orangish flowers really caught my eye, so I took a few more steps and got closer to get better shots of the flowers, and a strange little green bug:






These were the pictures I liked the best from my attempts at the 100 steps challenge ... but I did try it a few other times:

On Wednesday at a little farm store by my mom's house
and
On Friday in the grocery store by my house

Feel free to visit those links sometime and tell me what you think.


The second half to our week three assignment was a journaling part. We were supposed to write about the things we are grateful for. I confess, the picture taking was much easier for me this week, than the journaling was. Grief can be overwhelming at times (ok, a lot of the time). It can can consume us if we let it. I liked the 100 steps project, because it helped me to get up and move, and then when I stopped I needed to look for something that appealed to me, something I wanted to photograph. My world feels sad and lonely many days, but I can make a conscious choice to look for the beauty, to look for things that bring a tiny bit of joy.

So as I walked I thought about what I was seeing and what am I grateful for? I am grateful for the ability to even take a walk. I can physically stand on my own two feet and walk. I have freedom and safety to leave my house and walk whenever I want. My home and my city are not in the middle of a war zone, be it gang wars or the wars in the middle east, there are others in this world who can not take a walk unless it is absolutely necessary. And even then instead of looking for things of beauty and joy they are looking out for life threatening dangers with every step. I am grateful to live and walk right here where I am.

Hmmm ... seems I have a tendency toward unhappy thoughts ...
So ... try again ... what am I grateful for? What brings me joy?

I do appreciate the beauty, the colors, and the textures in nature ... looking at the flowers in my pictures above I have to wonder how God knew that yellowish orangish pedals would look so nice with a brown center and green stem? Perhaps one of the reasons I like photography is so I can capture just a bit of that beauty to hold on to. But I must be honest here for a moment ... sometimes the fact that there is beauty in the world seems unfair, makes me angry even. There was beauty in my life ... but beauty I could not hold onto ... I have to ask: why can certain things work out so perfectly and yet others fall apart so miserably? Why must we live without the beauty and joy of our babies?

Did it again, didn't I? Ended up at negativity.
Trying again ...
gratitude and joy ...
What brings me joy?
What am I giving thanks for?

I've tried this before ... I read the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp ... well I read half of it. I began reading it in January, before we got pregnant ... our life is kinda crazy busy so I would read bits and pieces here and there but then after losing our baby ...well, I had a hard time picking it up again. I've been meaning to, I have wanted to pick it back up ... but there it sits on the dinning room table with other things I have not had the energy to pick up lately.

So I went to her Ann's blog today, so I could provide a link for you ... in case you are interested in her book or her idea of recording our own 1000 gifts in a book or a list ... and then, what do you know ... I find today's post most inviting and she has even posted some free printables for the month of Aug ... maybe that will be a good pace for me to start. Anyone want to join me? Here is the link: http://www.aholyexperience.com/2011/08/whats-in-the-mail-for-you-today/

So I guess today I'm thankful for other moms like Ann who blog about real life, who write books that challenge me. I'm thankful for other moms like Beryl who come up with amazing ideas like combining our love for photography with processing this grief we know all too well. I'm thankful for other moms who can relate to my days, though I am deeply sorry that each of you know this road we are walking. I am grateful that many months ago I bought Ann's book and a journal of my own to start listing my One Thousand Gifts. I'll end today by sharing what I wrote back in January for my first 10 gifts:

1. The feelings of my soft bed and warm covers, as I lay awake hearing four of the people I love breathing in their sleep.
2. Bible verses that assure me God wants good for me
3. The lines and by Allen's eyes ... especially when he smiles (still makes me go weak in the knees, after all these years)
4. Inspired ideas early in the morning (while I'm still in bed) ... Ideas of how I can best use this day to bless my family
5. God's grace and prodding that helps me carry our the ideas to bless my family
   
6. A laundry basket to carry clean clothes in, instead of trying to carry the whole load in struggling arms
7. A wonderful and gorgeous, loving husband who is willing to cook dinner
8. The ability my lap and my arms have to comfort sick children
9. My whole family together in one room tonight
10. Sleep & rest after a long day
    

Saw this little button today on someone's blog today and thought of us:



The little picture is from photobucket.com ... and when I started browsing around I also found this link to Photography Styles, its been very fun to browse through all the different photos

Illuminate Week 2 - Light!

For the next few weeks I will be taking part in an online photography course called Illuminate, taught by a sweet new friend and baby loss mom Beryl, from Be Young Photography

For week two of our Illuminate e-corse we are looking at, watching, and writing about light. What does light mean to us? Where do we find it? And then we are taking pictures in different lights, thinking of what kind of lighting we feel most drawn to, thinking about how differnt types of lighting bring out different types of emotions and connections.

So here I am trying to think about light ... what does it mean to me? Where does my light come from? Why is it so important? I think I'm having mental block ... maybe making this harder than it needs to be, so thought I would look for quotes or sayings about "light":



"Lights camera action"

"Lets shed some light on that shall we?"


"Sometimes our light goes out but is blown into flame by another human being. Each of us owes deepest thanks to those who have rekindled this light."
Albert Schweitzer



"God didn't promise days without pain, laughter without sorrow, sun without rain, but He did promise strength for the day, comfort for the tears, and light for the way."


And God said, “Let there be light,”
and there was light.
God saw that the light was good
Genesis 1:3-4

You save the humble
but bring low those whose eyes are haughty.
You, LORD, keep my lamp burning;
my God turns my darkness into light.
Psalm 18:27-29(NIV)

The LORD wraps himself in light as with a garment;
he stretches out the heavens like a tent
Psalm 104:2


When our world goes dark around us, what do we do? Seems to me human beings have forever looked for ways to light up the darkness. Torches, campfires, lanterns, candles, lightbulbs ... my kids treasure their night lights and flashlights. We have this need to illuminate things and push the darkness away.

My life has felt very dark this summer ... sadness and grief take their toll. My bed and sleep have been where I go to get away from reality, to get a away from the world. And then even when I get out into the world I feel exhausted ... like I'm making my way through a strange unfamiliar place with a tiny candle to see where I am going. Its strange because I feel like I am missing out on much that is happening all around me ... but I'm not ready for bright light to reveal all that is there.

I've been a bit obsessed with candles lately. After losing Journey we were given four memorial candles ... which I thought was so nice. We are newly grieving for Journey but really this grief reopened the older wounds of all our losses. I love that they can all be acknowledged together. But I see this tiny amount of light from a candle very much resembles where I am at. My world feels very dark ... but there are glimmers of hope ... I can't see very far ahead or very much of my surroundings, but the candle does illuminate enough to make my way around and it does penetrate through darkness.


I decided to photograph my candles on their window sill at different times of the day. The end results were very different depending on if and where the sun was shinning. I love the glow from the candles when there was very little other light. But I also love the morning photo with sun beams streaming in ... almost like rays of hope and love being sent to me from above.










My last three photos are certainly of light ... sunlight. They were taken from my car window as I drove out of our neighborhood. I was just inspired by the morning sun and beautiful clouds. I really still wanted to be hiding under my covers, but I had forced myself to get up and go out. Made my self go out into the sunshine and the world for my twelve year old son. I was on my way to his baseball tournament so I stopped long enough to shoot three quick pictures. These were taken while I was stopped at a stop sign, but I switched modes on my Cannon Powershot (point -n-shoot) camera between each shot:

My camera was on macro (I had been photographing baby blocks the night before)



I switched to the "sunset" mode for the next shot:



Then switched to the "action/kids" mode:


I had not planned on these pictures being able to represent me or my grief ... but today while I was looking at them it occurred to me that physically these pictures are almost exactly the same ... taken from the same location on the same day (in the same minute of time) ... houses, trees, street lamp ... nothing moved, nothing changed ... yet with one click of a button on a my camera the end result is drastically different. To many people my life now looks exactly the same as it did before my first miscarriage, many people expect the same Heather they knew before ... but with one "click of a button" (one silent ultrasound picture)I am now drastically different. Loss has changed me ... there is no going back to who I was. All my parts may be in the same place ... I may look the same physically, but I am not the same at all. My world is painted a whole different color. And I'm trying to come to terms with the fact that I will never be the same as I was before and I will never see the world as I did before. I'm sure there will be a new me to emerge from this journey ... a more broken, but perhaps stronger me. How I wish I could explain it better, so those around me could understand. But then, I guess its taken me almost 6 years to even begin to understand ...

Illuminate Week 1 - Write a letter

For the next few weeks I will be taking part in an online photography course called Illuminate, taught by a sweet new friend and baby loss mom Beryl, from Be Young Photography

For our first week's writing assignment Beryl has asked us to write a letter to our baby or babies. This has been extremely over whelming for me. I've tried to start a letter several times, only to tearfully give up. I guess I was stressing about whether I should write to Journey, the baby we just lost in May, or if i should try write to all my angel babies. I think writing to all four just seems too overwhelming so for now I think I will try addressing my letter to just Journey. So ... deep breath, sigh, and here we go ...


My dear sweet baby Journey~

Two months ago I cried so hard that I could no longer carry you inside of me ... I carried you for 12 weeks, and the last 10 days of that knowing you had already passed. We saw your beautiful heart beating twice (at 6 weeks and again at 8 weeks), but at the next ultrasound everything was so still and silent. Although I carried your tiny body inside of mine, you were already in heaven. I knew it made no sense to continue carrying you in my womb, but oh how I hated the thought of letting them take you from me ...

I just kept asking my self Why? WHY? Why was this happening aging? I'm sure you know already that you have three siblings in heaven ... so this was the fourth time I had to say good bye ... the fourth time my life shattered and my heart tore open ... the fourth time I had to deal with the blood and the pain and the empty arms ... the forth time I had to give up the dream of kissing, rocking, nursing and holding my baby. Oh Journey, how my arms long to hold you!!! In my mind I sometimes ask God why He could not have waited another month or so till you were just a bit older ... so I could have truly seen you and held you, had tiny foot prints and photos to cherish while we are apart. Obviously there is no answer, I don't know why and perhaps it would only have made me hurt that much more. I don't know ...

What I do know is the love and the hurt ... I miss you so much it hurts ... my chest aches and my arms feel this dull throbbing pain. I don't share about that pain often because I'm sure most people would think its all in my head. I know so many think "you really can't love or miss something you never had". But Baby, I did have you ... you were supposed to be safe inside me, I knew you were there for weeks, felt such relief when we heard and saw your little beating heart, I treasured you and loved you from the moment I suspected I was pregnant ... and sweet Baby Journey I still do! And I will miss you as long as I live. I don't understand why I don't get to parent you here on earth, I suppose I will never understand that until I see you in heaven.

I know that you are happy there in Heaven. I know you have great-grandparents that probably dote and love on you and I've dreamt of auntie Missy holding you and rocking you and playing with you other siblings there ... that brings me such comfort. I know that Heaven is perfect, with no tears, no pain, no evil ... but the world I'm left behind in is full of tears and pain. I guess my job now is to figure out my purpose here, what is it that I am still here to do? Your journey was much shorter than mine and now you are at peace (that very thought is how we got your name: Journey Peace Sauerbrey) My journey will be much longer, but one day, some day we will be together again. Now i ask how do I carry on in such a way that I bring grace and glory to the Lord our God and how can I move forward honoring your little life with my life? Oh! If only I could figure that all out. I must be meant to carry on (I'm still here) ... to finish something here on earth, but most days I feel so lost and I have no energy ... I keep praying for clarity, for vision and for energy ... that God might point me in the direction of where He wants me to go. So today I wait ... I pray and I wait ... and I cry some too.

I won't ever forget you sweet baby Journey, your mama will always cherish and love you. I will blow kisses up to you and send balloons up to you when I want to celebrate specials days. I will light candles and remember you. I will tell others about you and I will comfort others who hurt like I do. I hope you are proud of me, I hope you know how much we loved and wanted you. If you don't mind sending me a few butterflies as kisses every now and then I would sure love that.

Love Always & Forever ~ Your Mama


The other part to our assignment this week was to turn the camera on ourselves and take 3-5 self portraits during the week that tell the story of how we are feeling in this moment following our loss. This part was hard for me too, because I still feel like I'm on an emotional merry-go-round and roller coaster all wrapped into one. I am often exhausted by the end of the day from all the different high energy emotions I am experiencing. Swinging from one extreme to the other is taxing on my energy, my attitude, and my ability to cope. But even when I want to collapse life continues to move along, dates arrive, kids need attention and love ... so intermixed with all the sad and pain are definitely moments of peace and joy. I wondered if I would really be able to capture that reality.

I kept my camera handy this week and caught several different emotions ... keep in mind there were actually dozens more ... but these are what I captured:

Depression & exhaustion are ugly ... but the truth is that most mornings still start this way. I'd rather stay in bed than face the world.


Feeling drained (almost literally)after a morning doctor appointment.





Getting fresh air and a date with my sweet hubby always helps me to relax. We enjoyed a beautiful walk and some beautiful scenery together.

He really is my wonderful support ... I'm so in love!



We were excited to be offered tickets to watch a MN Twins game from an air conditioned suite on Sunday (on our 18th wedding anniversary). But even in the excitement of kids and ball games exhaustion can hit and I fell a sleep!


But I did wake up and I did have a good day and enjoyed being with the gorgeous man I married 18 years ago

I know I don't need any more pictures added to this assignment but there was a very healing moment for me today that I wanted to share. I had wanted to take part in The Compassionate Friends Walk To Remember held about 25 minutes from my house in Mpls, MN today. But weather and air quality being what they were today (bad!) we decided it would not be a wise decision to take part in the walk because of my asthma and my 5 year old's heat sensitive medical issues ... I was so sad at first, then I decided to take the signs I was going to carry in the walk and go buy some balloons and just send my love up to our angels on my own, right from my back yard. I'm sure the neighbors think I'm a bit crazy, but I don't care ... it felt really good and healing to just send up a little "we love you!".





Even before I knew we would not get to walk I had planned to try include each of my new friends from my Illuminate Photography Course. I'm sure their angel babies and my angel babies are enjoying heaven's playground together and I wanted to send love to all of them, so I wrote colorful names on a piece of paper. When I could not carry it in the walk I just attached it to the balloons: