Sunday, May 4, 2014

3 years since those words...

There is a side of me that wishes I could blog here more than once a year ... there is a side of me that wishes I could do more for other families waking this difficult road of loss ... and then there is the side of me that lives in this mess of reality, the side of me that hurts and grieves and cries and cries and cries.  The side of me that just wishes I had never heard the words "Sorry, there is no longer a heart beat"

Yes I know three years have past now ... yes I know I have other children ... yes I know my life is full of many wonderful blessings.  And because most of the people in my life would not offer a shoulder to cry on or an understanding ear to this pain I save my crying for times I am alone (the shower, the car, middle of the night when I can't sleep).   I appreciate more than ever the unique band of mothers I still chat with on facebook ... they have sweet babies in heaven with mine ... yes, we each have lives that we continue to live.  Yes, we each have families, busy lives and things we tend to each day.  But what most of the world does not understand and often tells us to just forget are the precious babies we still long to hold, to kiss, to hug and sing to.  We know better than anyone that life is not fair and that we can't always have what we dream of.  We do the best we can to move forward ... but we will not "move on" as we have been told to do by countless well meaning friends and family and even strangers who feel the need to tell us how and when to grieve.  I wish I could mail this post from Still Standing Magazine to every person I have come in contact with after Journey died.  Pain and loneliness are only multiplied when hurtful words are shared.

Something I have been able to do this past year to honor my sweet babies in heaven is contribute to two books written for mothers whose babies have died too soon: 

Because They Lived 
Was compiled by Katy Larson  and resonates with the voices of  over 60 families lives as they journey through loss and find their way to hope. It shares the stories of these little lives that changed the world.....because they lived.   I was honored and blessed to share how our Journey Peace changed me because he did live. 

And just in time for International Bereaved Mother's Day I received my copy of:

Miscarriage Matters to Mothers
written and compiled by Michelle L Myers she shares that "The death of a child is devastating blow to the heart of a parent. When that event occurs before birth, or shortly after, we are left blind-sighted by grief. We come together to share our stories of loss to remember, encourage and honor. YOU ARE NOT ALONE ON THIS PATH. In solidarity we band together with our stories. This book contains raw emotion, the truth told with passion and conviction. These are our stories shared to remember, inspire and validate... miscarriage matters to mothers."

Today I remember Journey Peace because three years ago today I sat alone in an ultrasound room and my world fell apart again ... my baby boy was no longer alive.  Today on International Bereaved Mothers Day I remember the other babies I did not get hold or mother on earth.  I know they are whole and happy and safe in the arms of Jesus in heaven, but that does not mean I do not miss them and love them every day that I live.