On Saturday we will have a prayer service and burial at Resurrection Cemetery ... but today I had to take our baby's remains to the funeral home. I know that since his heart stopped beating in May, Journey has been in heaven ... healed and perfect and full of joy at the feet of his Savior and Creator. But I am still here on earth and am still imperfect and weak in my human state ... this was a very hard day, filled with tears. I am glad that on my way to the funeral home the idea to buy a baby blanket to wrap his small casket in came to my mind ... so instead of driving right past that Walmart, I stopped and went in. I stood in the baby aisles, tears in my eyes. I avoided eye contact with other shoppers and workers lest anyone ask me if I was finding what I was looking for ... Could you just imagine me tearfully saying "I am trying to decide which is the perfect baby blanket to bury my baby in."? Such an odd feeling to know those around me were shopping for every day needs and carrying on life as normal. I can't even comprehend normal anymore, my life feels broken ... I stood there trying to decide if I should really spend $16 dollars on that beautiful blue super soft blankie or just get the green Pooh Bear one for $9, it was cute too. Then there was the $4 blue air plane one ... but not soft at all, almost scratchy feeling. BUT LIKE IT REALLY MATTERS!!!! HE IS DEAD! I stood there for a long time, picking up one then the other, then another one and then the soft blue one again. I finally decided I needed the one I loved, the soft blue one ... and I needed not just one but two. One to wrap his casket in, and one for me. I know it seems like a waste of $32 to some people. But it was comforting to wrap his tiny casket in his soft new beautiful blue blanket. And as I cried and left the funeral home, actually gasping for breath, I clung to my soft new beautiful blue blanket.
I sat in my car bawling asking God where do I go now? Wiping my tears with my soft blue blanket. I finally just started driving and ended up at Resurrection Cemetery. They have a memorial wall and children's garden there. I brought my camera and my soft blue blanket, walked the path down to the garden and cried. I cried out to God and I prayed ... I am grateful for a place where I could just cry and pray.
I know that everyone has their ways of coping ... for some reason my camera has become one of mine. I'm sure that taking pictures would not bring comfort to some people, but for me it has been incredibly soothing. I never leave home without my camera now. God met me there in that garden, as I cried and prayed ... He was with me. Am I done grieving ... done crying? No, certainly not, but He did bring me moments of peace and comfort there in those beautiful surroundings and I wanted to capture that in pictures. The pictures can't really convey the feelings, but they help me remember. For a while I sat and cuddled my soft new blanket, so glad I had it. Then these three white butterflies started flying around me ... really pretty. I would almost get a picture of one of them and then it would fly away, zoom around over my head for a bit and land somewhere else, so I would tip toe over to its new location almost get the picture, but as soon as I pressed my shutter button it would be gone again ... at one point I was actually giggling at them ... it was like a game. And then for a bit a really big and bright colored dragon fly joined their game, but I was never able to catch him in a picture. Only caught two of the butterflies:
Later as I sat down on the ground I started playing with the leaves and twigs and bark laying by me ... I ended up spelling out my baby's name ... again so glad i had a camera with me:
I know God met me there in that Garden and he met my needs today. As I drove home I was able to turn up my Selah cd and sign hymns at the top of my voice.