Sunday, August 7, 2011
Illuminate Week 4 - One year from now?
what might your life look like in the next week? the next month? What might it look like a year from now?
That is our final journaling assignment for the online photography course, Illuminate, taught by my friend Beryl, from Be Young Photography
I have to admit, this is a tough one for me. I know how I wish it would look, but that dream was shattered a few months ago. And I think I'm afraid to dream or plan right now ... afraid of more loss. What if I look forward to something or try and plan for something that does not happen? Can I handle any more losses or more goodbyes? How can I possibly protect myself from that horrible kind of pain? I don't really think I can ... I don't think anyone can.
Still, looking into the future now scares me ... the reality is that any of the people I hold so dear could be gone in an instant ... Aug 6th 2011 I spent at a graveside service burying my baby, Journey Peace. I know that at some point in my life I will have to stand at another grave site and bury someone else I love. I know that is unavoidable. Dear Lord, please do not let me be alive to attend any more of my children's funerals. But I have grandparents, and parents and other family, I have dear close friends and neighbors ... I've learned all too well that things like cancer and sickness and accidents can take those lives away. I suppose its morbid, but there are days I start to wonder "well, who is going to be next?" My experience has taught me that what I love and cherish can indeed be ripped from my hands ... from my life. Will it happen tomorrow? No, probably not. Will it happen to everyone I love and cherish? No, most likely not ... but sooner or later it will happen and I will fall apart all over again. I don't think I can handle it again. I don't want to look forward knowing that will eventually happen. I think I would rather live today ... in this moment I have ... and love big!
Somewhere in the tangled mess of all these thoughts are my memories of bible verses and truths that I am loved and created by a powerful and loving God, that my children are loved and guided by this God as well, that our days were written in the book of life and numbered long before anyone of us were even conceived. So you see, this brings me to very special word i have been holding dear this summer:
This life on earth is a journey ... and no two journeys will ever follow the same exact path. We each have our own journey to take. I'm blessed and pray that I will spend much of my journey surrounded by family who love me. But some of them will be called off, to their own journey, down a different path, some much sooner than I would like. Others will possibly say longer than I would like. But I find comfort in the knowledge that someone much wiser than I already knows the number of days we will each journey on this earth. One day my journey here will come to an end and I will truly know peace ... my tiny baby is already there ... my baby Journey Peace left this world ... he has indeed journeyed to peace ... and one day I will meet him there.