So far September has been a tough month and I have been doing a lot of silent processing ... three people we knew passed away due to cancer in this first half of September ... I am also still processing and grieving the fact that we will not welcome a new baby this winter ... my sister and her kids were attending the Reno air show this week where there was a horrible crash and several spectators were killed and injured (my nieces and nephew saw it all)... several of our friends are dealing with family tension, or cancer, or unemployment or financial issues ... there just seems to be so much pain, so much suffering ... its so hard to understand ... so hard to see that this could possibly be used of God. Why would God allow such pains? If I let myself I suppose I could struggle with did God cause this argument vs. God simply allowed this evil to happen argument. At this point I just KNOW it happened ... and people I love are hurting and suffering ... I am hurting and suffering and feel so broken. I want to shake my fists and scream at the top of my lungs "GOD! THIS ALL MAKES NOOOOO SENSE!" ... OK, in all reality I have actually already done that and it solved nothing ... no miraculous voice came down from the sky with answers, nothing got better (I got a sore throat and my neighbors might be wondering about my sanity).
I figure God hears all my thoughts, He knows them even before I can form them into words. So I have decided to just spew it all out before Him. Not long after my sister, Missy, died back in 2006 someone told me "don't try to hide what you are really feeling and thinking from God (as if thats even possible) ... He is big enough, He can handle your confusion, and anger, and tears. And how can He ever help or answer if you don't ask." So I have been asking, I have been praying on my knees, and while I walk, in my bed, and in the shower, in the car and at the mall. I have called out in loudly spoken prayers and conversed with Him in my quiet thoughts, I have journaled and I have sang. In whatever way the words come, I don't think God minds, as long as I keep talking to Him. I can't say that I have any more answers, but there is a comfort in being able to voice what I feel and think. When a moment of unexpected grief over takes me I cry out to my God, and I just talk about whats going through my simple human mind. God has been good and oh so patient with me. Some days he reminds me that I don't see the big picture, some days he reminds me that this world I live in is not my eternal home ... I was created for and I long for different things. He knows because in His infinite wisdom, He sees it all. In His almighty kindness and compassion He watched as His own son walked and suffered life here. But He also gives me hope ... he leads others into my life who call out of the blue with a story of hope, or just to say that i crossed their mind today and they prayed for me. He leads me to articles or books that paint beautiful pictures with words like the idea that God is weaving me (my life) into a beautiful tapestry. And some days he needs bright golden joyful threads, and some days he needs mellow cool colors like blues or greens and other days he weaves with red or even dark, dark black. Each day as He works all I see is that one thread being pulled in and out, in and out through the tapestry. But He is God! He is the master crafter of my life and my days. He knew which day to being this tapestry and He knows on exactly which day it will be finished. And he knows exactly what colors and events will be woven into my life. I think we often want only those golden beautiful threads ... because from our view point those are the ones that seems so attractive ... and there is no denying that those golden moments are indeed wonderful. But if you look at a beautiful tapestry you will realize it would not work very well to only use one color .... the blacks and darks are just as important as the bright and vibrant colors. God blends and mixes them together and one day we will join God in heaven and we will have a different view point ... we will see the big picture, we will see the completed project that is our life. And we may even get to know and understand why He needed to use those dark threads, those dark moments in our lives. But there is this little inkling in my mind that tells me once we are there in Heaven, at the feet of our great Lord and King, we won't be wondering any longer about the mysteries and confusions of this earthly life, we won't be seeking the answers I have been seeking ... we will stand before our Great God and Savior and all we will be able to do is worship.
I have been reassured over the years that God does indeed have plans for my life (Jeremiah 29:11) ... still some days I struggle with how? and why? How can such hurt and pain and loss be a part of what God has planned for my life? For those I love? I don't have the answer ... but I know the One who does and just because I can't explain things in human words does not mean that I won't continue on in love and trust and worship ... He calls me to loves others, Trust in His plans and timing and to Worship Him through all of it. Trust me, its easier to say and write than it is to put that into practice. Some days I do better than others. Some days I get caught up in earthly things ... I lose my focus on God and eternal things and I get concerned with earthly things and circumstances. Those days are rough and sooner or later I am reminded where I need to focus and trust. Thankfully God's mercies are new every morning and once I realize I need to adjust my focus I can seek God's help. How amazing is it that the author and creator of all creation is always willing to take my broken and foolish self back. Whenever I realize my focus is off I can feel so bad about myself and am tempted to believe the lies that filter into my mind ... lies like "why would He want you back?" and "you are too messed up to ever be useful for the Gospel". Lies are tricky things, planted by the master of evil. Its become one of my biggest prayers lately that God close my ears to all the lies and open my ears and my mind only to Godly Truth. I don't want those ugly lies messing up the beautiful thing God is doing with my life. Some day when I stand in Heaven I want to see all the colors God used to weave my story my, my life, my tapestry and I want to give thanks and praise for the way he wove my days.
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