Wednesday, July 13, 2011

2 months

waves of emotion keep pushing me
I long to be like the still quiet lake
Instead I am the constant, continuous
motion of ocean waves

I fight between wanting to hide from
everything and everyone,
Yet wanting to be with my family

Two months ago I could not stop crying
today all I want to do is cry
but I'm so numb, the tears won't even come

Loss and grief, anger and disappointment
such sadness it hurts,
so very tired but I can't fall asleep

In my mind I know there is a plan,
I remember that God has a purpose
I think I even trust Him to lift me from this

But my emotions have not yet met what I know
my emotions continue to be tossed at sea
helpless, pointless and out of control

For the Illuminate Photography course I am taking, this week's assignment is to take several self portraits ... they are to tell a story of how I am feeling at this point in my loss journey. UGH! I must admit, my first reaction was "maybe I should not have signed up for this course ... not sure I can do this"
Being honest about where I am and how I feel at this point in my journey feels very risky. But after prayer I know that God has placed me here for good reason. Is it easy? No. Will I be better for doing the hard stuff? My heart tells me "Yes", but today my emotions scream "run away and hide!"

Maybe I'll do a little of both, here is my first attempt at a self portrait
(then I edited it a few times in Picnik)


  1. Heather this pic tugs at my heart...I am so glad you are in this class and are courageously taking it one step at a time. I wasn't too thrilled when I first thought about turning the camera on myself either! But God really really blessed me as I begrudgingly did this assignment. Love & Hugs to you my new friend! =)

  2. Heather, Thank you for being so brave. Thank you for having the courage to share with us what you are going through. Thank you for taking the first step and showing me that I can do this assignment also. Now to gather my strength and get it done!

  3. Thanks for the encouraging words, ladies. This is truly where I wanted to stay this morning, too, hiding under the covers in my bed. But ... my kids had free bowling ... so we I did drag my self there around noon ... its 3pm now and am going to lay down for a much needed nap

  4. Thank you for your honesty. I feel the same on many days. I love your beginning poem. I couldn't have said it better myself; my emotions have not caught up with what I know either.