Holidays and Grief

Warning: this post may just be me rambling about stuff.

I have no real answers about how to deal with the family events and festivities of holidays as we are grieving ... I have to be honest ... I'd rather just hide away right now. In those first few weeks after my miscarriage people offered help and asked how I was and seemed willing to hear my sadness. But now it seems I am expected to be "over it" or "back to normal" ... Well ... I'm not. I'm still not "back to normal" from losing our baby Liberty in 2004. I guess after each loss I have found a new normal ... a new way of being me ... a way that is forever marked by the baby I loved (still love) but will not parent on this earth. I know that those who expect me to be "over it" have never experienced a miscarriage or baby loss ... so they really can't understand where I am at ... and I would never wish that they could understand, but I wish they didn't expect me to forget about the babies I long for.

Holidays (like the 4th of July) are usually spent with family or friends, food, festivities, fireworks, and fun. The problem is, that right now I don't really feel like celebrating ... and if I say that those who want to celebrate I will have to explain and defend myself and my emotions ... thats exhausting. I've spent way too much energy trying to explain already and it know from experience it only leaves me feeling worse, so I'd rather just not make an appearance.

But ... This weekend also happens to be my Dad's birthday party and I hate the idea of letting him down ... my living children make up half of his grandkids and he needs them there to celebrate with. He is really a wonderful grandpa! I feel like my hiding away and protecting my self would punish him and my kids ... so, I'll goto the party, it will be a long grueling weekend, but I will do my best.