Obviously I started this blog (separate from my family blog) to journal my grief and tell my story of loss (and hopefully healing).
Feel free to follow along, but be warned I need a place to be bluntly honest about what this journey looks like. Is my life over because I've lost 4 babies? No certainly not. But I will admit there were days I wished my life was over or would end soon. Especially in those first days of loss and on those dates when my babies would have been due had they lived.
I don't understand why so many of us moms suffer through this ... why does loss like this have to be a part of our lives??? I've heard there are stages to grief and I can see myself passing through them, but I also feel like perhaps instead of stages I'm on a merry-go-round of grief. I have days of anger, frustration and fist-shaking questions, then I have days of denial where I force a smile upon my face, and other days I'm covered in the sadness and depression ... then some days surprise me, I start to feel almost an acceptance (for lack of a better word) ... I have days when I try to plan how I'm going to move forward as this new scared mommy. I can not say "move on" because to me that implies I will leave my babies behind and forget about them ... I can't do that ... they did live, and they did exists inside of me! But I have other family members who need me to be here, be present in their lives and I still believe God has a plan and a purpose for my life. He has allowed me my grief and all these emotions ... God knows what it takes for me to heal in a way that I can carry on but not forget.
God has blessed me recently with a bible study on loss through Anchored By Hope and also by allowing me to take part in an new online photography course called Illuminate, taught by Beryl, from Be Young Photography specifically for baby loss moms. Illuminate is meant to help moms like me in our healing process and will encompass both photography and journaling as a part of the course. So, for the next 4 weeks, I hope you will join me as I continue my journey. My journey through loss, my journey to live again, my journey to heal my heart as much as I can, through photography and words.